Corporate Sceptic Gifts

'Honesty is the best policy since I can't afford a slick lawyer.'

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

The Solar System (after deregulation)

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

"If CEO pay packets aren't a problem, why doesn't everyone get one?"

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'We raised the price, so at least as far as we're concerned it's new and improved.'

"Neversource"

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

"Congratulations! You've made the short-list for who we're blaming."

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I didn't get the salary increase, but I've been moved one parking space closer to the entrance.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

I Want to be a Drone President

"Guess what, Collins? Not my job to remember what I said yesterday."

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"Wow, these are great cartoons! We have to let them go, and anyway, cartoonists are on the endangered species list..."