Corporate Comedic Cynics Gifts

'Miss Chambers, requisition me some more clout.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

BBC - Crisis Management, Damage Control and Liability Supervision.

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Being offshored isn't exactly what I expected.'

Another day at work would be one too many...

Born In Captivity.

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

"You can all unroll yourselves now. We're heading back up."

'Instead of a raise, Yomp, you may call me 'Chief', instead of Mr Staghorn.'

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

'Miss Pym, we've made a smaller loss than last year, order me a much larger desk.'

"The more coffee I drink, the more these motivational posters make sense."

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

Man running in a hamster wheel