Cynical Corporate Comedy Fan Gifts

"You'll be a perfect addition to our expendable workforce."

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"This position has become very important to the company."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"He's not really much of a leader...he just has a lot of followers."

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'

'Can he call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

"We need volunteers for the car chasing fundraiser."

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'What's wrong? Think the walls have ears?'

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

Thesaurus Company

'Don't laugh Ms. Newborn, but I want you to proof this for 'accuracy'.'

"And I suppose you expect me to pick that up?"

"You need to stop taking your work home with you. Take mine instead."

'This is just an informal pledge that we all go through.'

'To cut back on traveling expenses, we're going to start sending you out as an e-mail attachment.'