Corporate Critique Fan Gifts

"Publicly, we're still saying there are no side effects."

"We've decided not to pay you anymore, but we are prepared to offer you 10% more meaingless platitudes about how valuable you are to the firm!"

Sleeping - "Sir, the staff are all assembled for your pep talk."

"Do we wait for it to be approved as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as furniture polish?"

"Sure they're the frienly loan company. But they have an arrangement with the unfriendly collection agency."

"..And the best product placement in a film award goes to..."

"Ah, Jenkins, how are you getting on with your report on workplace morale?"

Keep the Status Quoing.

"How can a drugstore afford to buy a large insurance company for $69 billion?"

'Exploiting the workers hasn't helped...so we'll have to start screwing them.'

'I would like to thank the photo radar company for their fourth quarter presentation.'

Golden parachutes inc. - 'Our pleas for bail-out funds were ignored.'

'How do you like the new incentive scheme?'

"Wow, we're doing great."

'I remember when kidnapping stood for something. Now it's all about the ransom and pleasing the shareholders.'

'Of course, you'll be paid a generous scapegoat bonus.'

'We don't believe in treating people like a number. Here, you'll be treated like a slave.'

"Oh that's great, that's so good- you announce the layoffs."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'That's our mission statement.'

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

Spot the difference.

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'I'm judging by your silence Al that you're giving me the green light on the Greenwich project. I just want to say that I admire your leadership. I guess that's why you've been running this company for 20 years.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'