Corporate Critique Fan Prints

"Publicly, we're still saying there are no side effects."

"We've decided not to pay you anymore, but we are prepared to offer you 10% more meaingless platitudes about how valuable you are to the firm!"

'And this will be our strategic plan for the coming year.'

Sleeping - "Sir, the staff are all assembled for your pep talk."

"Do we wait for it to be approved as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as furniture polish?"

"Sure they're the frienly loan company. But they have an arrangement with the unfriendly collection agency."

"..And the best product placement in a film award goes to..."

'To placate the public, we've done away with the cash bonuses and have found another way to compensate you.'

"Ah, Jenkins, how are you getting on with your report on workplace morale?"

Keep the Status Quoing.

"How can a drugstore afford to buy a large insurance company for $69 billion?"

'Exploiting the workers hasn't helped...so we'll have to start screwing them.'

'I would like to thank the photo radar company for their fourth quarter presentation.'

Golden parachutes inc. - 'Our pleas for bail-out funds were ignored.'

'How do you like the new incentive scheme?'

"Wow, we're doing great."

'I remember when kidnapping stood for something. Now it's all about the ransom and pleasing the shareholders.'

'Of course, you'll be paid a generous scapegoat bonus.'

'We don't believe in treating people like a number. Here, you'll be treated like a slave.'

"Oh that's great, that's so good- you announce the layoffs."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"This position has become very important to the company."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'That's our mission statement.'

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

Spot the difference.

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf