Corporate Culture Critics Gifts

"Hey! I was looking all over for you. You have the wrong piece of paper."

The Department of Lessons Learned...

'Now, Dan, we're all equals here. Have a seat.'

'When I was hired, the boss asked if I could handle a job with lots of accountability, and like an idiot, I said 'Yes!''

'Your job description is fairly simple: Stay in your cubicle and try not to make things worse.'

'I'm currently looking to hire a workaholic who feels the good job he does is compensation enough.'

'Serving you is our number one job'

"Phyllis needs to stop taking our staff meeting minutes."

Course 'Management Skills and Employee Motivation', 09 AM - 05 PM, No breaks!

' That's our founder. After spending twenty years in the himalayas, he finally discovered that the true meaning of life was to make money.'

The new boss brought a sense of urgency.

'I'm a headhunter and I try to match highly skilled candidates with corporate clients. A degree in sociology of marsupials simply won't qualify.'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

The Contract Culture: 'Jump.'

"Before we decide that SEO is dead, can someone tell me what SEO is?"

'Around here we don't play 'good cop-bad cop'. We play 'good bank - bad bank!''

'Employee Suggestions' box too high on wall for woman to reach with smiling bossing looking on.

"Your job could be worse and I'm open to any suggestion to make it so."

'Here at Crowe Maritime Products, we like to let employees choose a health care plan that suits their needs. Now, step right up and spin the wheel.'

"Excellent Simons, I admire a 'yes' man who's not afraid to say 'yes'."

'How did the meeting go?'

'They didn't kick me upstairs after all -- they threw me down the elevator shaft!'

"Have your sheeple call my sheeple and we'll do lunch. . ."

"Management really cares about our well being. They want us to leave work the same way we came in - depressed and hopeless."

"C'mon people! All for me and me for me!"

"We like to think of ourselves as a very progressive company. After all, a little self-delusion never hurt anyone."

"It can be repurposed for office space without much alteration. I don't think our employees will notice the difference, really."

'What a...sniff...wonderful compliment! This is really...sniff...touching...'

'I need you to hold your ear to the ground to find out what the employees are up to...'

Which reminds me Fishlock - I want to see you.

...In return for extra money you'll have some new responsibilities....

'If I promise to give you a good reference would you consider working for our competitors?'

'You seem nervous.'

'By not offering health care to you I'm actually empowering you to pursue independent options.'

Human Resources: We sack from within.