Corporate Culture Critic Gifts

'Outcomes...normally we just measure the height of the files.'

'Run this by 'Legal,' but sprint it by 'Ethics.''

'Thank you for holding - your call is important to us.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

'I like it. It's catchy and easy to remember.'

"Come in, Wilson. I've traded my phone for some booze. Just another unexpected consequence of the breakup of AT&T."

'Mr Frimley, sir, can I have a word about the motivational artwork...'

Innovation department.

'That's a new word legal came up with. They're still working on a definition for it.'

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

"Oh no, not someone else with a mission statement."

"Blame culture...who is reponsible for this?" "Him..him..him...her..."

'It's OK, everyone makes mistakes. Look at me. I hired you.'

Positive and Negative Motivation

'I want to complain about sexual harassment.' - 'You know you're beautiful when you're angry.'

We Made a Fortune! 'That's good enough for me. I don't really need the specifics...'

"In principle we're happy with the trust idea...as long as it's properly monitored and regulated!"

Lethal Presentation

"Not to worry—I'm going to put our best-looking people on the job."

'What if, and I know this sounds kooky, we communicated with the employees.'

'That might work as your own personal mission statement. But what we're really shooting for here is something the whole company can get behind.'

'Okay, what if we go outside - will it still be insider trading then?'

'What if, and I know this sounds kooky, we communicated with the employees.'

The advanced motivational exercise required killing the boss, burying the body and not ratting out your co-workers.

'In my day, we didn't concern ourselves with wimpy notions of workplace ergonomics.'

'In an effort to make this sales meeting more pleasant, I have taken the liberty of rotating our sales graph counter clockwise a full ninety degrees,'

'As you can see, our corporate culture rewards worshipping the top guy.'

'What a great day! I spent the morning burning bridges and the afternoon putting out fires!'

'Since we downsized the board of directors profits are up 300 percent.'

'The shareholders want more cultural diversity. Choose a s-man, hai-man and ja-man to replace three yes-men.'

'I'll ask someone else. Didn't realize you were still dealing with that backlog.'

'Rather than Jones becoming a team player with you guys, I prefer that you become team players with Jones.'

'....it's all right here in the corporate training manual.'

'I'm very busy right now. I'll post your annual review on my blog this evening.'

"For the benefit of our new employees, we've simplified the corporate flow chart."