Employment Cynic Gifts

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"Nihilistic customer service"

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

The Forever Stamp

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

If all else fails, give up.

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

Wow. A corner office at last

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

Famous Oxymorons...

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

'To you, it's doing my work for me. To me... it's teamwork.'