Employment Critic Gifts

Fat beggar holds sign: 'Will work for fast food'.

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

'Mr Clayton will see you first, Sir.'

"It's the new man - he wants to know what the company retirement plan is."

"The boss is the fatherly type. He never fires anybody."

Suggestion box, one for suggestions and one for 'clean' suggestions.

"Brodkin, now that the economy is creating jobs at a faster than expected clip, why don't you go out and find yourself one?"

"We will create 12,000 new jobs...but we only need 4,000 new employees because on these salaries they'll need three jobs each to make a living!"

'No, we don't have casual Fridays, but we do have casual Saturdays, for employees who can't finish their work during the regular work week.'

"Remember unpaid interns are a renewable resource."

'There are some subjects that are off limits...CEO bonuses...Overtime pay...Business ethics...'

"I'd like your honest, unbiased and possibly career-ending opinion on something."

"There are 45,000 people at the stadium but only 500 of them bought tickets...the other ones are security guards for our 250 million euro player!"

Sign on office wall says: 'Mustn't grumble.' Employee says: 'You have to admit, it's not much of a mission statement.'

'The problem is, you don't take enough pride in your temporary, no benefit, below living wage job!'

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

"You could do a lot worse then be good at football... I know... some people have to settle for politics."

"As long as you insist that we hire executives smarter than you, how about we get ones that smell better, too?"

Time Slavery.

Useful Degrees:"Bachelor of Waitressing

"Any other skills besides having the ability to look busy?"

"Well, since it has become common knowledge that money never makes people happy, we will no longer be giving out any raises."

Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of an organization advocating the overthrow of the generous executive bonus system in corporations?

"Incentive program, you mean like your paycheck?"

Will work for question marks.

'It's hard to get good people, and even harder to keep them.'

"So you're looking for a well paid, non job - how about trying a government quango?"