Workforce Critic Gifts

"Remember unpaid interns are a renewable resource."

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"Of course we'll give you a choice. Would you prefer to lose your job to outsourcing or to robotic automation?"

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"This is a company which is going places...."

'Does anyone else have any complaints?'

"And this is our new HR officer in charge of morale..."

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"I don't make the rules around here. I just enshrine them."

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"

'Looks like Kryson is no longer in the inner circle.'

"It's the new man - he wants to know what the company retirement plan is."

"The boss is the fatherly type. He never fires anybody."

Suggestion box, one for suggestions and one for 'clean' suggestions.

"So...what's the most important thing about working at Auto y Rod Inc.?"

'This is about the poster isn't it?'

'They no longer take suggestions but they do offer tissues.'

'No, we don't have casual Fridays, but we do have casual Saturdays, for employees who can't finish their work during the regular work week.'

"We will create 12,000 new jobs...but we only need 4,000 new employees because on these salaries they'll need three jobs each to make a living!"

Suggestion box paper shredder.

"Aw... I'm really sorry you're bored Jenkins. I wonder if I can rekindle your interest with some of this work you should be doing?"

'My philosophy is to sit down and the hell with being counted.'

"Call a meeting, Miss Pendleton. I want to hear some Corporate Creole."

'The problem is, you don't take enough pride in your temporary, no benefit, below living wage job!'

Sign on office wall says: 'Mustn't grumble.' Employee says: 'You have to admit, it's not much of a mission statement.'

"We've increased job satisfaction. Now let's focus on productivity."

'It's the perfect job if self-respect isn't a factor.'

'A living wage implies you have a life outside the office. We're not in favor of that.'

"As long as you insist that we hire executives smarter than you, how about we get ones that smell better, too?"

'I'm a firm believer in not going out of my way to give employees the opportunity to test their honesty.'

"Cutting the budget is easy!...All you need to do is get rid of all that wasteful admin...what do they do!"

Who said money was not a motivator?

"Only I, am entitled to use ignorance as an excuse!"