Workplace Critic Gifts

"Your job will be to bang your head against this wall from nine to five each day."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'Miss McGalaughterville, sorry to bother You, but I made the list of all the women I intend to sleep with and I'd like You to take look and see if I wrote down Your name correctly...'

Expendable Personnel Office

'My door is always open, Truscott, so don't go near it!'

'Management won't offer equal pay, but they do provide equal blame.'

'The problem is, you don't take enough pride in your temporary, no benefit, below living wage job!'

"Well, since it has become common knowledge that money never makes people happy, we will no longer be giving out any raises."

"As long as you insist that we hire executives smarter than you, how about we get ones that smell better, too?"

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

"Of course we'll give you a choice. Would you prefer to lose your job to outsourcing or to robotic automation?"

"A few years ago, you management gurus told us to downsize until the halls echoed..."

"This is a company which is going places...."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'Does anyone else have any complaints?'

"And this is our new HR officer in charge of morale..."

No, no, Grok, we love your creative voice! Ort is just here to do a little punch-up.

"I don't make the rules around here. I just enshrine them."

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

Who's In Charge Here?

'Looks like Kryson is no longer in the inner circle.'

"It's the new man - he wants to know what the company retirement plan is."

"The boss is the fatherly type. He never fires anybody."

Suggestion box, one for suggestions and one for 'clean' suggestions.

'No, we don't have casual Fridays, but we do have casual Saturdays, for employees who can't finish their work during the regular work week.'

'They no longer take suggestions but they do offer tissues.'

GDP and G&T.

"So...what's the most important thing about working at Auto y Rod Inc.?"

'This is about the poster isn't it?'

"Remember unpaid interns are a renewable resource."

'The shareholders are in an uproar; they demand change. Bob, switch seats with Gerald.'

"Aw... I'm really sorry you're bored Jenkins. I wonder if I can rekindle your interest with some of this work you should be doing?"

"We've increased job satisfaction. Now let's focus on productivity."

"Call a meeting, Miss Pendleton. I want to hear some Corporate Creole."

Sign on office wall says: 'Mustn't grumble.' Employee says: 'You have to admit, it's not much of a mission statement.'