Modern Workplace Critic Gifts

'It's hard to get good people, and even harder to keep them.'

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"That's six 'noes' and one 'aye', the ayes have it"

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"A few years ago, you management gurus told us to downsize until the halls echoed..."

"This is a company which is going places...."

Mr Yomp quickly got the hang of his new laptop.

'Does anyone else have any complaints?'

'We're very tight on space right now but we'll have you in an office as soon as we can. Meanwhile...'

"And this is our new HR officer in charge of morale..."

"Look at them smiling. They've reached their comfort zone."

"I don't make the rules around here. I just enshrine them."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

No, no, Grok, we love your creative voice! Ort is just here to do a little punch-up.

'He always has your back - - - but it's mostly to step on.'

Who's In Charge Here?

'Looks like Kryson is no longer in the inner circle.'

'Our company hasn't changed much over the years. Most ideas still come from the top.'

"It's the new man - he wants to know what the company retirement plan is."

"The boss is the fatherly type. He never fires anybody."

Suggestion box, one for suggestions and one for 'clean' suggestions.

GDP and G&T.

A worker has 3 trays, and in tray, an out tray and a can we talk about it in the morning? tray

'They no longer take suggestions but they do offer tissues.'

'This is about the poster isn't it?'

'No, we don't have casual Fridays, but we do have casual Saturdays, for employees who can't finish their work during the regular work week.'

Suggestion box paper shredder.

"Well the good news is that we came top in at least one category of the latest diversity tables..."

"So...what's the most important thing about working at Auto y Rod Inc.?"

"It's just the boss building consensus."

'We're encouraged to be individuals here - look, there's a menu of three personality types to choose from.'

"Remember unpaid interns are a renewable resource."

'Will sublet 5pm-9am & weekends.'