Job Perk Critic Gifts

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'... and finally, to my business partner I leave my corporate parking space.'

'Mr Clayton will see you first, Sir.'

"Brodkin, now that the economy is creating jobs at a faster than expected clip, why don't you go out and find yourself one?"

Payroll Dept. My economic anxiety has less to do with the weak dollar than the week's dollars! (Published originally on March 14, 2008.)

"We will create 12,000 new jobs...but we only need 4,000 new employees because on these salaries they'll need three jobs each to make a living!"

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

"Remember unpaid interns are a renewable resource."

'I warned you not to ask for a shorter work week.'

'There are some subjects that are off limits...CEO bonuses...Overtime pay...Business ethics...'

"There are 45,000 people at the stadium but only 500 of them bought tickets...the other ones are security guards for our 250 million euro player!"

"I'd like your honest, unbiased and possibly career-ending opinion on something."

'The problem is, you don't take enough pride in your temporary, no benefit, below living wage job!'

"There's a one-year don't-get-sick probation period for our health insurance."

"You could do a lot worse then be good at football... I know... some people have to settle for politics."

'This resume looks familiar. Were we once married to each other?'

"As long as you insist that we hire executives smarter than you, how about we get ones that smell better, too?"

Employment Office. I see by your resume that you don't stay in one place very long.

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

Time Slavery.

'I love your resume. Is it fiction, non-fiction, or plagiarized from the internet?'

Useful Degrees:"Bachelor of Waitressing

"Any other skills besides having the ability to look busy?"

'Your resume says that you were self employed and then you were fired?'

'The firm provides every new executive with a personal trainer.'

Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of an organization advocating the overthrow of the generous executive bonus system in corporations?

"Well, since it has become common knowledge that money never makes people happy, we will no longer be giving out any raises."

"Incentive program, you mean like your paycheck?"

"I don't see your Zodiac sign anywhere on your resume."

Will work for question marks.