Job Perk Critic Pillows

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'... and finally, to my business partner I leave my corporate parking space.'

'Mr Clayton will see you first, Sir.'

"Brodkin, now that the economy is creating jobs at a faster than expected clip, why don't you go out and find yourself one?"

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

"We will create 12,000 new jobs...but we only need 4,000 new employees because on these salaries they'll need three jobs each to make a living!"

"Remember unpaid interns are a renewable resource."

'I warned you not to ask for a shorter work week.'

'There are some subjects that are off limits...CEO bonuses...Overtime pay...Business ethics...'

"I'd like your honest, unbiased and possibly career-ending opinion on something."

"There are 45,000 people at the stadium but only 500 of them bought tickets...the other ones are security guards for our 250 million euro player!"

'The problem is, you don't take enough pride in your temporary, no benefit, below living wage job!'

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

"As long as you insist that we hire executives smarter than you, how about we get ones that smell better, too?"

'This resume looks familiar. Were we once married to each other?'

"You could do a lot worse then be good at football... I know... some people have to settle for politics."

"There's a one-year don't-get-sick probation period for our health insurance."

Time Slavery.

'I love your resume. Is it fiction, non-fiction, or plagiarized from the internet?'

Useful Degrees:"Bachelor of Waitressing

"Any other skills besides having the ability to look busy?"

'Your resume says that you were self employed and then you were fired?'

"Well, since it has become common knowledge that money never makes people happy, we will no longer be giving out any raises."

Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of an organization advocating the overthrow of the generous executive bonus system in corporations?

"Incentive program, you mean like your paycheck?"

'The firm provides every new executive with a personal trainer.'

Will work for question marks.

"We could hire another accountant and secretary, but wouldn't it be fun to have a barista?"