Employment Critic Pillows

Fat beggar holds sign: 'Will work for fast food'.

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

"It's the new man - he wants to know what the company retirement plan is."

'Mr Clayton will see you first, Sir.'

"The boss is the fatherly type. He never fires anybody."

Suggestion box, one for suggestions and one for 'clean' suggestions.

"We will create 12,000 new jobs...but we only need 4,000 new employees because on these salaries they'll need three jobs each to make a living!"

'No, we don't have casual Fridays, but we do have casual Saturdays, for employees who can't finish their work during the regular work week.'

"Brodkin, now that the economy is creating jobs at a faster than expected clip, why don't you go out and find yourself one?"

Payroll Dept. My economic anxiety has less to do with the weak dollar than the week's dollars! (Published originally on March 14, 2008.)

"Remember unpaid interns are a renewable resource."

'There are some subjects that are off limits...CEO bonuses...Overtime pay...Business ethics...'

"I'd like your honest, unbiased and possibly career-ending opinion on something."

Sign on office wall says: 'Mustn't grumble.' Employee says: 'You have to admit, it's not much of a mission statement.'

"There are 45,000 people at the stadium but only 500 of them bought tickets...the other ones are security guards for our 250 million euro player!"

'The problem is, you don't take enough pride in your temporary, no benefit, below living wage job!'

"As long as you insist that we hire executives smarter than you, how about we get ones that smell better, too?"

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

"You could do a lot worse then be good at football... I know... some people have to settle for politics."

Time Slavery.

Useful Degrees:"Bachelor of Waitressing

"Any other skills besides having the ability to look busy?"

"I don't see your Zodiac sign anywhere on your resume."

Will work for question marks.

Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of an organization advocating the overthrow of the generous executive bonus system in corporations?

"Well, since it has become common knowledge that money never makes people happy, we will no longer be giving out any raises."

"Incentive program, you mean like your paycheck?"

'It's hard to get good people, and even harder to keep them.'