Salary Critic Pillows

'Get in there, $1,500,000, and pinch-hit for $3,250,000'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

I've given you 110 for ten years, like you asked. Now I'm taking that year off that I've earned!

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'Are you picky about preferring something with a livable wage?'

"I like your thinking Steve. Hiding the contract loopholes under the staples is brilliant."

'Our new simplified energy bills just have a few options starting with 'Grossly inflated' and progressing to the premium 'Bloodsucker' package. . .'

Payroll Dept. My economic anxiety has less to do with the weak dollar than the week's dollars! (Published originally on March 14, 2008.)

BP Greed Credentials - huge profits and cuts to environmental promises.

"Perfect! Since our company's motto is 'transparency,' make the contract's fine print light gray against white."

"You misread the terms of your employment. Your probation period is 6 years, not 6 months."

'Just because I'm Overpaid doesn't mean You're Underpaid.'

'For those of you who don't wish to know the results of our executives pay...turn away now.'

"We will create 12,000 new jobs...but we only need 4,000 new employees because on these salaries they'll need three jobs each to make a living!"

'I think the global banking sector, drunk on years of excessive bonuses, may need a little more than your 'very angry' T-shirt to make them toe the line.'

"That's not a company progress chart. That's the bosses salary!"

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

"Remember unpaid interns are a renewable resource."

'There are some subjects that are off limits...CEO bonuses...Overtime pay...Business ethics...'

Moanathon.

'Hang on!...You don't expect me to swallow that as well!'

'The problem is, you don't take enough pride in your temporary, no benefit, below living wage job!'

"And despite recent insinuations, this loan contract being signed by my client is perfectly legitimate."

"I'd like your honest, unbiased and possibly career-ending opinion on something."

"There are 45,000 people at the stadium but only 500 of them bought tickets...the other ones are security guards for our 250 million euro player!"

"No this is your contract. The other one's your bill

'I reject the terms of the contract!'

Lawyer to lady: 'Since I specialize in eye injuries, I've eliminated all the fine print.'

"As long as you insist that we hire executives smarter than you, how about we get ones that smell better, too?"

'And best of all - no hidden clauses!'

"You could do a lot worse then be good at football... I know... some people have to settle for politics."

' I earn a six-figure income, if you count those two little numbers after the decimal point.'

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

Time Slavery.