Career Critic Gifts

Time Slavery.

Useful Degrees:"Bachelor of Waitressing

"I'd like your honest, unbiased and possibly career-ending opinion on something."

"You could do a lot worse then be good at football... I know... some people have to settle for politics."

"I don't see your Zodiac sign anywhere on your resume."

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

Cariactures

"I'm afraid you were drawn too big and not centered on the page."

'It's a Joan Biro.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"Hmmm, this might just be not funny enough for The New Yorker."

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"

". . . yes, sir, folks . . . and furthermore, folks . . . for real quality, folks . . . yes, sir, folks . . ."

"Ah yes, I know this bit...it's from the advert!"

Occupant.

Career Analyst "Well I've looked at your file and yes, your job is rubbish"

'Being a nobody isn't so bad...You don't have to worry about becoming a has-been.'

'Can't you forget you were an art teacher?'

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

Real coffee vs usual vending machine stuff

We regret to inform you that your poem, "The Ramen," does not meet our publishing needs at this time. The short, frustrating career of Edgar Allan Typoe.

"I could do that."

"...but do not take Clynkovix if you are already taking any other drug with a ridiculous name."

"I can see from your résumé that you're a man."

"Under our new definition of 'what is a sale?', he hasn't made any this year."

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

"I think the banana looks like a mustache, or a weird smile or something. How about an apple? ... Just a suggestion."

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

'Thank goodness for these commercials on the nightly news or we'd never be aware that we need all these prescription medications.'

"Apparently my writing is so bad I've been rejected by a gene editor. She said she could see the lack of talent in my DNA."

'You're too big to fail and be fired, but too small to move up to the job you'd like'

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