Resume Critic Gifts

'I love your resume. Is it fiction, non-fiction, or plagiarized from the internet?'

'Your resume says that you were self employed and then you were fired?'

"Under reason for leaving last employment, you put 'heads rolled'. Care to elaborate?"

Employment Office. I see by your resume that you don't stay in one place very long.

Man at interview - 'Your name is Alan? Or is that a lie as well?'

'This resume looks familiar. Were we once married to each other?'

"Why did you leave your job as a sparring partner?"

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

'I notices that under 'past experience', you once shared a cell with Bernie Madoff.'

"Why did you leave your previous job?"

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

Author Reading Today: 'Typos I missed when correcting proofs.'

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

"You look a lot better on paper than you do online."

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

"I can see from your résumé that you're a man."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."