Resume Revisor Gifts

PERSONNEL, 'This is terribly embarrassing -- I've been married so many times, I've forgotten my maiden name.'

'Since I actually ask people for money, I call this 'Paid Public Speaker' on my resume.'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''

'Nice, I can see you've taken Day-School classes to further your education...'

'Call this one -I like short resumes.'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

The tough job market is proving to be time consuming. I receive thousands of resumes each week and shredding them takes up too much time

'You're a good first draft. We would like to see a finished version.'

"Sorry, but you're overqualified."