Resume Revisor Pillows

PERSONNEL, 'This is terribly embarrassing -- I've been married so many times, I've forgotten my maiden name.'

'Since I actually ask people for money, I call this 'Paid Public Speaker' on my resume.'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''

'Nice, I can see you've taken Day-School classes to further your education...'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"Sorry, I'm looking for someone with a twinkle in the eye."

"Sorry, but you're overqualified."

'You're a good first draft. We would like to see a finished version.'

The tough job market is proving to be time consuming. I receive thousands of resumes each week and shredding them takes up too much time

"Any talents besides tasting good?"