Resume Revisionist Pillows

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

'Let me start by saying I wish I had your imagination...'

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''

'Nice, I can see you've taken Day-School classes to further your education...'

The tough job market is proving to be time consuming. I receive thousands of resumes each week and shredding them takes up too much time

'You're a good first draft. We would like to see a finished version.'

"Any talents besides tasting good?"

"Sorry, but you're overqualified."

"No, I'm sorry, we're looking for special people."

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"Sorry, I'm looking for someone with a twinkle in the eye."