Resume Critique Lover Pillows

'I see by your resume that you're toilet-trained.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

"I like it, Julian — it speaks to what a waste of time and money your MFA was."

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

"I can see from your résumé that you're a man."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"I loved your embarrassing personal essay in the 'Times.' "

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

"I think you left something of your resumé... writer of fiction!"

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

'I see that you have a B.A. degree in collating and stapling. Your parents must be very proud.'

Nutty Assistants

"Any talents besides tasting good?"

'I'm hiring a football equipment manager to add some padding to my résumé.'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"Sorry, I'm looking for someone with a twinkle in the eye."