Resume Reader With A Twist Gifts

"I see by your resumé that you're my daughter's kitty."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

"These references are excellent Mr. Canning. But do you have any from someone other than your mother?"

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

"I think you left something of your resumé... writer of fiction!"

"It's a pretty good resume, but I would have like to see more bells and whistles."

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

"Oh, a resume is not necessary. I know all about you."

"When did you say you left school?"

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''