Quirky Resume Creator Gifts

"Yours is a most impressive résumé, and you've scented it with beef."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"Are all these letters of recommendation from your mother?"

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

"Well, you certainly seem to have a lot to offer this company, and, of course, the truffles are a hell of a plus."

"Actually, the job calls for someone who is convex."

Blend Schools

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

"My word, this really is impressive! Lots of people have a personal trainer but a personal wine advisor, wow!"

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

Urine Catcher

"These references are excellent Mr. Canning. But do you have any from someone other than your mother?"

"Humility is a virtue, but not on a resume."

"A Ph.D. in particle physics, experience in aerospace and rocketry...of course I can juggle."

"And the hiring committee was very impressed with your no nonsense attitude during the interview."

"It's a pretty good resume, but I would have like to see more bells and whistles."

Temp Employment Agency. Ah, I see that you have a short attention span.

'My resume,...in rap form!'

"Well, what a coincidence, Jeff's in vermin control too!"

"...and before that, I was an embryo."

"When did you say you left school?"

'We're looking for someone who either has a good background or can concoct a good story about one.'

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

'Why is your resume copyright protected by online-resumes.com?'

'Your CV is a work of pure fiction...'