Resume Revamped Gifts

'Nice, I can see you've taken Day-School classes to further your education...'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

"I've applied the Paper Reduction Act to my resume."

'Let me start by saying I wish I had your imagination...'

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''

"John, does this mean you've given up looking for work?"

True, I've seen plenty of padded resumes, but very few bejeweled resumes.

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"Sorry, but you're overqualified."

"No, I'm sorry, we're looking for special people."

'My tutor kindly agreed to help!'

'We have an opening for a receptionist and a sales person and I'm ready to quit. How are you at multitasking?'

"Thanks for coming in again. Sorry about the last time. I must have pulled the wrong lever by mistake."

'You say that you dreamt you got a job here?... And in your dream did you have a better CV than this?'

'I don't have a resume, but I have accumulated an extensive paper trail.'

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

Now playing 'Downsized and out' - a movie based on Ed Benson's resume.

'You need someone who is responsible. That's me! In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!'

"I have to admit, I've never seen anyone list 'cleaning out my desk' as a job skill."

"Actually those missing four yeas I was working here under a different name."

'I'm not sure that mentioning your diploma in 'Monkey Business' really helps your resume...'

The key to landing a good job is patience, persistence and timing. And networking.

'Sure I submitted somebody else's resum? - I'm the victim of a stolen identity.'

'I don't have a traditional resume, but I do have this DVD featuring me in a number of amusing office bloopers from my previous job.'