Resume Revamps Gifts

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

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"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'You're hired. Go figure.'

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"I've applied the Paper Reduction Act to my resume."

'Your resume doesn't contain a single falsehood or stretching of the truth. Sorry, but you're not what we're looking for in our PR department!'

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

'I hear you're looking for bounty hunters...'

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

'Let me start by saying I wish I had your imagination...'

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''

"I've got some skills - I'm just not sure they add up to a 'set.'"

"John, does this mean you've given up looking for work?"

'Nice, I can see you've taken Day-School classes to further your education...'

'So one of your hobbies is lying, how do I know you're not telling the truth?'

'I'll stop saying you've changed jobs too many times if you'll stop giving me notice.'

"No, I'm sorry, we're looking for special people."

'I took the liberty of digitally enhancing my resume to make a mountain out of a mole hill.'

'My tutor kindly agreed to help!'

"Sorry, but you're overqualified."

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

True, I've seen plenty of padded resumes, but very few bejeweled resumes.