Resume Revamps Gifts

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

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"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'You're hired. Go figure.'

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

'I hear you're looking for bounty hunters...'

"I've applied the Paper Reduction Act to my resume."

'Let me start by saying I wish I had your imagination...'

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''

"I've got some skills - I'm just not sure they add up to a 'set.'"

"John, does this mean you've given up looking for work?"

'Nice, I can see you've taken Day-School classes to further your education...'

'I took the liberty of digitally enhancing my resume to make a mountain out of a mole hill.'

"Sorry, but you're overqualified."

'My tutor kindly agreed to help!'

'So one of your hobbies is lying, how do I know you're not telling the truth?'

'I'll stop saying you've changed jobs too many times if you'll stop giving me notice.'

"No, I'm sorry, we're looking for special people."

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

'We have an opening for a receptionist and a sales person and I'm ready to quit. How are you at multitasking?'