Resume Revamp Enthusiast Gifts

The key to landing a good job is patience, persistence and timing. And networking.

'You need someone who is responsible. That's me! In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!'

'We have an opening for a receptionist and a sales person and I'm ready to quit. How are you at multitasking?'

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"If I get this job I'm hoping to reinvent myself as someone competent."

I don't consider it to be lying on my resume. I think of it as a revisionist employment history.

'My tutor kindly agreed to help!'

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

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"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

"I think you left something of your resumé... writer of fiction!"

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

"I've applied the Paper Reduction Act to my resume."

"...and before that, I was an embryo."

'Let me start by saying I wish I had your imagination...'

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''

"I've got some skills - I'm just not sure they add up to a 'set.'"

'Nice, I can see you've taken Day-School classes to further your education...'