Resume Revamp Guru Gifts

"Nothing personal. We just don't like the look of your typeface."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

The Joy of Recession

'Maybe we should have been a bit more specific in the ad...'

'... No, you're not on the short list. You're not even on the long list.'

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Any recommendations besides these report cards saying you work well with others?'

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

Laid off from a dot-com? Ask about our resume-writing software.

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

Your resume is only 8 words long! You're hired!

"These references are excellent Mr. Canning. But do you have any from someone other than your mother?"

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"Your CV is amazing. The boss would love you. So unfortunately you've been unsuccessful in your application."

"You should hire me now, before my skills completely deteriorate."