Resume Revamp Expert Gifts

"I'd say you're a tad over qualified for the job."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"You look a lot better on paper than you do online."

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

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'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

Resume Consultant. Listing professional development courses you've taken since your last job was fine, but don't put"New & Improved" above your name.

Your performance since you came here suggests you may have lied on your resume.

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

Resume Consultant. To avoid giving anybody the wrong idea, you should stop calling yourself a "hands-on" manager.

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

'Let me start by saying I wish I had your imagination...'

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''