Resume Revamp Artist Gifts

'Let me start by saying I wish I had your imagination...'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

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'You're hired. Go figure.'

"These references are excellent Mr. Canning. But do you have any from someone other than your mother?"

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

'Your resume doesn't contain a single falsehood or stretching of the truth. Sorry, but you're not what we're looking for in our PR department!'

"I've applied the Paper Reduction Act to my resume."

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

"It's a pretty good resume, but I would have like to see more bells and whistles."

'I hear you're looking for bounty hunters...'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"When did you say you left school?"

'We're looking for someone who either has a good background or can concoct a good story about one.'

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

"I've got some skills - I'm just not sure they add up to a 'set.'"

"I felt like 'data analyst' sounded better than 'good guesser'."