Resume Reviser Gifts

"Aside from Domino’s, China Palace and Lupe’s Fiesta Garden, do you have any professional references?"

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"If you used the 'Idiot's Guide To Writing Resumes', try us when we're hiring idiots."

"Hmmmph! They said the Space Program doesn't have room for me!"

"Qualifications are important, but we usually prefer them to be relevant to the job you're applying for!"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''

'Nice, I can see you've taken Day-School classes to further your education...'

'You're a good first draft. We would like to see a finished version.'