Resume Reviser Gifts

'Your resume is quite outstanding...right up to the part about embezzlement.'

"Aside from Domino’s, China Palace and Lupe’s Fiesta Garden, do you have any professional references?"

Employment Office. Ernie's learned from his mistakes and now he's overqualified for everything!

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"If you used the 'Idiot's Guide To Writing Resumes', try us when we're hiring idiots."

"Hmmmph! They said the Space Program doesn't have room for me!"

"Qualifications are important, but we usually prefer them to be relevant to the job you're applying for!"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'