Resume Reader Gifts

'I'm just sorting through the latest job applications now.'

"I see from your resume you have a black belt in accountancy."

"Your work history is out of this world!"

'I didn't know 'Businessish Management' was something you could get a degree in.'

'It's in my resume. I don't do computer windows.'

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

Let's see... Graduated from Notre Dame... Majored in bell ringing... Minored in stair climbing... Busted your hump for 3 years at the Frank & Stein facility conducting a brain research - Looks like you accidentally crossed out the 'R-E'. Heh.

'I read your resume. It's good, but I prefer reading non fiction.'

"My banking experience? I was responsible for all my organ-grinder's money collection and accounting..."

"Jumped over moon. Impressive."

"A.B.H., G.B.H., assault and battery. WEll, you appear to have all the required credentials for the position."

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Job Interview Gone Bad.

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

Your resume says you were a waiter...

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

Tweaking the CV.

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

"Very impressive resume, however you didn't explain why you were tagged and released from your last job."

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

'I didn't have time to prepare a resume.'

"I'll have to get someone younger to look at your résumé. I'm not fluent in emoji."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'