Resume Reviewer Gifts

'We did a background check on this guy and he came up squeaky clean... just what is he trying to hide anyway?'

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

'For the last 15 years, I've been working in the financial services sector - whatever that means.'

'You have an online degree from the college of hard knocks'

'Do you have any previous experience as a Pope?'

'Excellent resume, Mr.Lubish, but we already have a shaman.'

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

'Do you have any skills other than knowing how to keep a tidy desk?'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"I see by your resume that I should have looked at it before inviting for an interview."

'Fantastic CV, masses of experience...shame she wanted paying!'

'Very impressive. I see you aced the course on genuflecting.'

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"And how would your degree in 'Bohemian Lifestyle Studies' benefit the company?"

Do you really expect to get in here with a resume like this?

'I forgot to ask her employment history -- I got bogged won in 'distinguishing personal characteristics.''

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

"Plus, I can read."

"No self-aggrandizement anywhere. And you call yourself an applicant?"

"I see you went to my safety school."

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

"I'm going through you application as we speak."

"Sure, I'm vicious, scary and down right tall, however my biggest asset is that I'm a survivor!"

"A. B. H., G. B. H... I take it these are not qualifications?"

"You describe yourself in your resume as 'the strong, silent type.'"

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

"Sorry, I'm looking for someone with a twinkle in the eye."

"You resume states, 'My only good quality is I purr'. Could you go into that a little more?"

"Any talents besides tasting good?"

"It says here that you have a multi personality disorder. Does that mean you'll be good at multitasking?"

"Here's my resume. . . all nonfiction."

"Wow - great chops! We took a vote and want you in the band. All that we need now are three letters of reference and academic transcripts."

So far your resume is excellent. I can't wait to get to the fine print.