Resume Critique Gifts

"According to your resume, your last three employers are some of the biggest crime families on the eastern seaboard. I don't know what position you've applied for, but welcome to the company."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

"I can see from your résumé that you're a man."

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

Resume Consultant. To avoid giving anybody the wrong idea, you should stop calling yourself a "hands-on" manager.

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

Resume Consultant. Listing professional development courses you've taken since your last job was fine, but don't put"New & Improved" above your name.

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

'Nice, I can see you've taken Day-School classes to further your education...'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"Any talents besides tasting good?"

"I'd like your honest, unbiased and possibly career-ending opinion on something."

The tough job market is proving to be time consuming. I receive thousands of resumes each week and shredding them takes up too much time

Resume Consultant. I can polish up your resume, but I won't be able to pound all the dents. (Published originally on Janurary 8, 2009.)

'You're a good first draft. We would like to see a finished version.'

'Call this one -I like short resumes.'

"Sorry, I'm looking for someone with a twinkle in the eye."

'You have an online degree from the college of hard knocks'

"Your CV is very impressive. We're interested in the person who wrote it."

"Here's my resume. . . all nonfiction."