Career Cynic Gifts

'I see you hold degrees in eating, sleeping, AND mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the other college graduates who have applied.'

Terrible career move: TOMBSTONE.

Dead End. Now hiring

"Career goal? Not to have to work."

'You're too big to fail and be fired, but too small to move up to the job you'd like'

'But what if we are at the top of our game?'

'I look back on my career and all I see are a******s. I guess that's why they call it 'hindsight'.'

''If you were a horse we'd have shot you and sold you to a dog food factory, then at least we'd have made some money from you.' Hm, is that a good or a bad employers' reference?'

'I hear you're having trouble with your 'career'.'

Jones, Needham, Pinkner, Fortney - Just doing their jobs.

'I hate my boss!...'

'It's rotten, but it's the best we have.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"Nihilistic customer service"

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

The Forever Stamp

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

If all else fails, give up.