Academic Cynic Gifts

"Your sat scores were low, but the good news is your credit score is over 800."

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

The Forever Stamp

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'You're too big to fail and be fired, but too small to move up to the job you'd like'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

Will Self deprecation

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

"If you don't feel better in a few days give me a call and I'll completely ignore you."

Bush vs. America

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

Jones, Needham, Pinkner, Fortney - Just doing their jobs.