Job Culture Critic Gifts

'We don't offer a retirement plan, but when you turn 65, no more required overtime!'

"Looks like we found the issue."

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

Spot the difference.

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'I'm judging by your silence Al that you're giving me the green light on the Greenwich project. I just want to say that I admire your leadership. I guess that's why you've been running this company for 20 years.'

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

Lethal Presentation

"Read our contracts, Ms Donahue. It says 'No Sexual Harassment on the workfloor!'"

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

'The portrait is a mark of his extreme egotism, but, if you curtsy and bow sufficiently...say, 'Oh Yes Sir!'!, to everything he says, you should do OK'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

Satya Nutella

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

"Whereas we used to display losses in shocking and offensive red, we now display them in warm and comforting toasted almond."

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'Miss Pym, we've made a smaller loss than last year, order me a much larger desk.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"It's o.k., come on out."

'Bit of a staffing problem, Boss. We haven't got any left.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'I give this one about three months...'

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'