Workplace Culture Critics Gifts

"A few years ago, you management gurus told us to downsize until the halls echoed..."

No, no, Grok, we love your creative voice! Ort is just here to do a little punch-up.

You'll find nepotism is rife here.

GDP and G&T.

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."

"My email is down... talk to me."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

Do Not Resuscitate

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

Bo're'droom

'Apparently, Smith's desk just couldn't withstand the weight of the paperwork we piled on his desk.'

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"I hate performance review season."

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

'I went to my boss and demanded the fruits of my labor. He gave me a Blackberry.'

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"Whereas we used to display losses in shocking and offensive red, we now display them in warm and comforting toasted almond."

"It's crazy here! They're all on recreational rugs."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

'Bit of a staffing problem, Boss. We haven't got any left.'

'I give this one about three months...'

'Here comes the boss. Quick, look busy!'

'Well, I must say I never thought team-building exercises could be such fun.'

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

"That's six 'noes' and one 'aye', the ayes have it"