Communication Cynic Gifts

'I didn't get your message because I'm letting my voice mailbox fill up.'

"Are robocalls a problem? Heck no. I gave up answering the phone years ago."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"I think before we begin to address me, we need to talk about the clown in the room."

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

"Without question the funniest patient I’ve ever lost."

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'I said, how do you like my new communication tool?'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

'To you, it's doing my work for me. To me... it's teamwork.'

"Sometime today do you mind putting in a two-week notice so I don't have to fire you?"

"Your employees have lost faith in your ability to pretend to care about them."

'I'm not looking for something that will eliminate 10% of my employees. I want something that'll eliminate all of them.'

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

"The hours? If you have to ask, you don't want to work here."