Communication Cynics Gifts

'A real person's answered it. I hate that. I'll call back when their voicemail's activated.'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

"I think before we begin to address me, we need to talk about the clown in the room."

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

"Without question the funniest patient I’ve ever lost."

'I said, how do you like my new communication tool?'

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

"I owe you an apology. When you bought that muzzle, I was mad because I assumed you bought it for your dog."

"Mrs. Stiltz asked Jean to ask Genie to ask..."

Social media and privacy

"We need to really FOCUS on our customers if we're to rip them off to inflate our profits."

"If you are a Pulitzer-prize winner, press 1. All others, please press 2."

'This must be the Sea of Tranquility.'

The first accurate poll.

'I'm getting mixed signals. First the boss tells me that I never really caught fire around here then he tells me that I suffer from burnout.'

'A good idea, Fletcher? So was your last one. Which, I recall, brought us to the brink of bankruptcy!'

Don't worry, Bob. There are some jobs a robot just can't do...like kissing ass.

"This circle of hell is for those who always hit Reply to All."

'The scary part is, he's in charge of quality control.'

'I am becoming a jerk. Get a memo to all departments.'

'We had to let go of some people.'

If the world is getting smaller, how come the postal rates keep going up?

'Mr Slickovitz will now brief you on corporate creole!'

Finally, a news network that doesn't fill me up...it's 97 fact free!

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

"You're overqualified, and we under pay. It evens out. Welcome abroad, Barnes."

Warning! The next programme contains no celebrities.

"He's been told he has to cut down on using meaningless 'management speak'...which is causing him a lot of problems...as it's the only language he knows!"

"Podcasts, blech. It's like eavesdropping without the intrigue."