Communication Cynics Gifts

'A real person's answered it. I hate that. I'll call back when their voicemail's activated.'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

"I think before we begin to address me, we need to talk about the clown in the room."

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

"Without question the funniest patient I’ve ever lost."

'I said, how do you like my new communication tool?'

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

"Mrs. Stiltz asked Jean to ask Genie to ask..."

"I owe you an apology. When you bought that muzzle, I was mad because I assumed you bought it for your dog."

"If you are a Pulitzer-prize winner, press 1. All others, please press 2."

'This must be the Sea of Tranquility.'

"Actually, there is such a thing as a stupid question, and you've just asked it."

Social media and privacy

"We need to really FOCUS on our customers if we're to rip them off to inflate our profits."

'I'm getting mixed signals. First the boss tells me that I never really caught fire around here then he tells me that I suffer from burnout.'

iPhone: Leading Our Grand March Into Mass Mediocrity

The first accurate poll.

'A good idea, Fletcher? So was your last one. Which, I recall, brought us to the brink of bankruptcy!'

Don't worry, Bob. There are some jobs a robot just can't do...like kissing ass.

"This circle of hell is for those who always hit Reply to All."

'I am becoming a jerk. Get a memo to all departments.'

'The scary part is, he's in charge of quality control.'

'We had to let go of some people.'

If the world is getting smaller, how come the postal rates keep going up?

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

Finally, a news network that doesn't fill me up...it's 97 fact free!

"He's been told he has to cut down on using meaningless 'management speak'...which is causing him a lot of problems...as it's the only language he knows!"

"So much for the news, now for the corrections."

"You're overqualified, and we under pay. It evens out. Welcome abroad, Barnes."

'It's like home from home, really-rubbish telly, lousy grub..'

"Podcasts, blech. It's like eavesdropping without the intrigue."