News Cynics Gifts

"My wife is a doctor. That's great because I can endure the TV news only under general anesthesia."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

"The news is so fake, the ads are beginning to look honest."

'If I've learned anything, it's believe half of what's in the newspapers, and even less of what's in your e-mail.'

"He really hates all the fake news!!"

"Our intelligencia said we will be outnumbered 100 to one, but that we can hope it's only fake news."

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"If the headline screams catastrophe, but nobody cares to read it, does it still make a sound?"

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

Sen. Krupt. Your vote should never be for sale. It's much more efficient to rent it out!

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

Filmed in Supermarionation

Fake News for Fake People

Black Friday

Social media and privacy

Incredible

Russian war crimes

"Since I no longer trust the media. I get all my news from hysterical people on the street."

'It says here that most people believe what they read in the papers.'

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"I've been expecting this...FAKE WEATHER!"

"I'm actually looking forward to age-related hearing loss."

"Would you say your politics are middle of the road?"

'Why don't you change it to sports or cartoons or something? -- You know CNN just depresses you.'

Rudy, be reasonable. We can't have a functioning media if everyone starts putting up their own stories on the web. We need professional ethics. We need editing. We need fact-checking. We need

Turn on the news. I will not comply. My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story. There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on Rocky Road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills. Who told you this? Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy.

The Good News, the Media Nothwithstanding

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

The first accurate poll.

I Can't Believe It's Not Fake News