News Cynic Gifts

"I've tried rebooting it several times, but the news is still terrible."

"Your depression,apathy,inability to seperate truth from fiction is common at this ime of year,try not to listen to any more election broadcasts until you're feeling better..."

"How dare you liken me to an Evening Standard journalist?"

"Fake news is down 3, alternative facts down 2, political satire up 20."

"Our choices are - fake news, disinformation, alternative facts or, no news is good news."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

'Bad news isn't real. It's a conspiracy by newsreaders to make money.'

"Politics, sport, community projects - you name it, Jim's been apathetic about it."

"Forget TV news and put away your phone. It might improve the quality of your hysteria."

"Can you make my vision a little worse? I don't like what I see in the world today."

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"Next on the news...could a Russian satellite crash down on your home, pulverizing everything inside?!"

'I'm not checking any political sites, or following any politicians on twitter. I'm going liarless.'

'If you want your phone hacked by a tabloid, press 1...'

'Well... Nowadays, watching splatter movies is the best way to relax from the news...'

"As I said earlier, Michelle, I won't answer questions about economic or foreign policy. I'm here to talk about my sexual escapades."

The first accurate poll.

'Never read it,mate-too much doom and gloom in it!'

Finally, a news network that doesn't fill me up...it's 97 fact free!

'Had this been an actual emergency, some politician would have shown up by now to lie to you about it.'

News - Rumor that will turn out to be true tomorrow

From the Same People Who Brought You WMDs

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

The Forever Stamp

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"With great power comes great reward."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."