Scandal Cynic Gifts

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY: CLEAN UNDERWEAR

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

'To you, it's doing my work for me. To me... it's teamwork.'

"Sometime today do you mind putting in a two-week notice so I don't have to fire you?"

"Your employees have lost faith in your ability to pretend to care about them."

Suggestions Box

"We couldn't give you a bigger office, so we shrunk everything down to make it appear bigger."