Confession Cynic Gifts

"Please don't confess to me, Mr Brewster. I didn't even like confessions when I was a priest."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

Always Compatible

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

Someday

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

Will Self deprecation