Commitment Cynic Gifts

'Tell you what, I'll put you in my stand-by program.'

'I'd like a ring, but nothing too expensive. This is only my first marriage.'

'Melanie, I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you, or someone a whole lot like you.'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Stock market investment advice

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

If all else fails, give up.

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

'You're too big to fail and be fired, but too small to move up to the job you'd like'

"When we met, Marc promised to be the wind under my wings but it turned out to be all hot air."

Preachers with far too much input

There's a lot of money flowing into political campaigns. I'm less concerned about money in politics than I am that none of it trickles down to me.

Will Self deprecation

Jones, Needham, Pinkner, Fortney - Just doing their jobs.

'Of course you're overworked and underpaid! Didn't you read the fine print in your employee's contract?'

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"I can't wait till after the election when everything will be perfect."

'I go to college -- What do you do for a living?'

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."

'You'll have to excuse my husband - he's got compassion fatigue.'

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

'That's it?'

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

Man on treadmill with one leg in a cast.

Food Science Lab. There's jealousy among the peanut butter molecules. "Smooth" does out all the time and "chunky" can't get a date.

'According to the voice-stress analyzer, he's not going to lower taxes.'