Engagement Cynic Gifts

Man with engagement ring on his nose - "Can I have the box back too?"

The prying mantis,

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

If all else fails, give up.

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

Targets

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

There's a lot of money flowing into political campaigns. I'm less concerned about money in politics than I am that none of it trickles down to me.

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'You're too big to fail and be fired, but too small to move up to the job you'd like'

Personnel

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

"I can't wait till after the election when everything will be perfect."

Sadie, I don't want you to stay in this relationship just because it's convenient. I think the counselor would agree. Counseling $10. Wow. Of course. Counselors never tell you what they think. I think we're overpaying.

'And will you take this man to the cleaners....'

Jones, Needham, Pinkner, Fortney - Just doing their jobs.

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."

'You'll have to excuse my husband - he's got compassion fatigue.'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"She married him because he was the only man she met who was worth divorcing."

"Bottom line - don't forget to lie."

Food Science Lab. There's jealousy among the peanut butter molecules. "Smooth" does out all the time and "chunky" can't get a date.

'I hate my boss!...'

"You said your pictures were recent."

Punch Card: 'The next divorce is on me.'

"I married him for his intelligence, turns out that was artificial as well!"