Motivation Cynic Gifts

If all else fails, give up.

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"Nihilistic customer service"

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

The Forever Stamp

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"