Motivational Speech Cynic Gifts

'When are you going to show some INITIATIVE, Findley?', 'When you TELL me to, sir!'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

"First of all, let me commend everyone on the teamwork displayed on this icebreaker. Secondly, let me apologize for some of the motivational language I used during this session..."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

If all else fails, give up.

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

Famous Oxymorons...

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"