Digital Cynics Gifts

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

Rare Books

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

The other digital divide.

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

The anti-social network: 'Hey Jeffrey...I need help setting up my dad's anti-social network.'

'Read ALL about IT! While we're STILL in Circulation!'

The benefit of an old-fashioned newspaper.

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

'This app that recommends what I read next works, but it's insulting. It referred me to a gas station restroom wall.'

Unsocial Networking.

"If you are a Pulitzer-prize winner, press 1. All others, please press 2."

"If we're doing such a good job of keeping the devil away, how come we have so many of these infernal machines around here?"

Social media and privacy

'That's funny - the computer said we had mail..'

"Just saying, if you can't trust your software upgrades, what can you trust?"

"Well, if you can't trust software upgrades, who can you trust?"

"Trust your instinct son, not the rubbish spewed on Social Media..."

The first accurate poll.

Don't worry, Bob. There are some jobs a robot just can't do...like kissing ass.

'Miss Wayson, find out who put this computer on my desk and tell them to get it the hell out of here!'

Unsocial Media

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

"I'm not saying it's spying on us, but it's asking me to 'select all the images of yourself selecting all the images of yourself.'"

'It's like home from home, really-rubbish telly, lousy grub..'

"Jeez, dad. Your computer is so old it came with a flag to put up when you want to send an email."

Warning! The next programme contains no celebrities.

"I'd better read the official view before I form an opinion."