Relationship Cynics Gifts

Elderly spinster expressing the belief that most marriages turn out miserably.

"She married him because he was the only man she met who was worth divorcing."

'What are we going to do for the rest of our honeymoon?'

'You want me to investigate your wife? That's a coincidence, she was just in here asking me to investigate you!'

Welcome to Hell: God still loves you. He's just not IN love with you.

'I wonder if there's a state where no marriages are recognized.'

"I'm sorry Kevin, I could never marry a man with an 'Outie'."

'I had to break off our engagement...he wanted to get married.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

Always Compatible

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'Huh! You men are all alike!'

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'